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Crazy Ivan

Published April 11, 2009 in Maritime, collision, Dodgy ships, mad captains, From the ship and On the ship. 4 Comments

There are ways of doing things well, and ways of doing things disastrously. The difference usually means thinking. Planning helps. Experience is an advantage, not always necessary. Knowledge can have a bearing on things and usually does when you put someone in a responsible position.

“Common dog f..k” was how one of my British colleagues put it, he was referring to how certain things are embedded in the brain so well that they should not have to be explained “like opening your zip before taking a piss” my down to earth shipmate continued, and he went on down the crude scale as I cracked up at each witty comment.

I wasn’t laughing so much when this ship showed up on the scope, seemingly going the same way we were and going to overtake us on our port side, not usually how I would do it but then again as long as you keep out of the way, no harm done. I borrowed the title of the post from “Hunt for the Red October” where Soviet submarines would suddenly turn around out of the blue to see if they were being tailed, as this ship passed me and started to converge I realised his intention was not to keep out of the way and was in fact an attempted suicide maneuver. I put the camera down and pulled the stick back to slow us down and put some water between us and the 6 o’clock news. Sure enough he went to starboard and crossed ahead without so much as a by-your-leave and merrily sailed on.
When imminent danger was over I picked up the VHF to try and speak to him, waste of time really, my heart was so far up my throat I could hardly talk and a hoarse voice thanked me for my co-operation in a sort of eastern dialect that could have been from anywhere between Serbia and Sevastopol.

Conclusion.
Don’t be surprised when the other ship doesn’t follow the rules.
Be prepared to take severe evasive action, or you will be on the news.
Make sure you know what you are supposed to be doing, there are enough “ships of fools out there”

Wanted Pirates

Published November 21, 2008 in Pirates, Dodgy ships, pinch of salt required and mad captains. 9 Comments

Fancy a Change of Course for new and exciting employment opportunities!

Established already in the 1600’s our company has been providing pirate solutions for generations. Due to rapid expansion within our sector we now have immediate vacancies for the following positions:

Master Pirates, mate pirates, engineer pirates and deck/engine rating pirates.

No previous piracy or hijack experience necessary but will be deemed meritorious. Ongoing training is available for all areas of extortion, weapons use, boarding tactics and general harassment of westerners or their puppet crews onboard the vessels we hijack.

A working knowledge of Arabic would be a distinct plus, and considered extremely advantageous. A degree of bloodthirstiness can also help if required to discipline unruly crew or hostages.

Some skill at shiphandling can help, as we have in our portfolio a wide range of modern vessels of varying tonnages from VLCC to general cargo ships, and the fleet is changing all the time!

Very attractive salary and benefits, although we hate the Zionist loving Imperialistic United States, we do like the US dollar. All wages are on a commission basis and paid cash in hand/hook since we don’t have any banks (although we have a few shady back channels to Zurich, to facilitate ransom payments and sundry cash flow) so the more hijacking the better paid. And the more daring the hijacking even more payout.

We have flexible leave arrangements and instant promotion possibilities, whenever anyone gets killed the next in line is instantly promoted.

The job is not without it’s hazards ( Russian, Indian, Danish, American, British warships) and we expect all prospective employees to be conscientious and act responsibly towards their shipmates and follow the standard industry practices with regard to safety.

Medical benefits are also provided and free Qat is available to all employees.

In this rapid climate of change, apply NOW for the experience of a lifetime (even if it could be short)

PO Box 1,Dodgy Pirate Enclave of Puntland, Somalia.

It was all better in the good old days?

Published April 8, 2008 in Cadets, deck and engine room, mad captains and From the ship. 0 Comments

I wonder who Noah complained about on the Ark, or did Vasco da Gama give out about the conditions on his ship, or the Phoenician sailors did they have decent coffee at breaktime? They certainly didn’t have to hear the shite I hear anyway, the other day the deck cadet complained that the wireless internet was down, and he couldn’t connect the Skype on his laptop, I nodded and said “Ask the Chief Engineer for the gas burning torch and we’ll cut off the funnel, and the satellite will have line of sight, or we could wait until we get off this course….” He looked at me slightly perplexed as if he was considering the first option and didn’t understand my sarcasm.

I didn’t even speak to the old man when I was a cadet, unless he directly addressed me, I got a short sharp shock on my first bridge watch at sea, I happened to be sitting in the leather chair behind the “new” daylight screen radar, when the old man appeared and asked me if I was comfortable….I was I said to which he roared at me “Get the f..k outta ma chair” his face going puce and bits of spit flying in all directions, needless to say I vacated the chair pronto. Apparently the same “old man” had to retire early due to stress, I heard later.

The engineers all complained all the time about the deck officers or “rope draggers” or “window watchers” or the “c**ts on the bridge”, the deck officers complained about the “grease monkeys” and “steam queens” and the “spanner wankers” and the list goes on, what a fantastic environment for a young cadet. The Chief Engineer told me that there was no future in the job for me and I might as well pack it in. Encouraging.

There was no internet, no satellite TV, no e-mail, no mobile phones and the trips were 4 months long if you were lucky. I suppose I can’t complain too much, the Filipinos had 12 month contracts. You could call home making a link call on the VHF, not very private, anyone within 20 miles with a receiver could listen to you beg your girlfriend not to break it off, then some gobshite operator would give the price given in Swiss Francs after the call, and it only worked when you were near the coast, otherwise there was the Satellite phone for emergency’s, the price was a killer and the echo was a disaster, you started talking and there was a delay while your voice went into outer space and back down to earth, which meant you could end up talking on top of each other and end up saying “what was that?” a lot, nightmare. I didn’t make too many of them. There were letters of course, that arrived a month or too after being posted, so you could get a love letter and a “Dear John” from the same girl in the same post. It happened.

To be continued….